BEYOND THE BIG SKY

Hi, to whoever might even be reading this. So here’s an interesting thing that happened to my life recently: I’ve decided to start committing. I was initially planning to start scheduled blogging once the new year hits, but I thought to myself, “Why wait?” So yeah, here’s to actually starting to document my life. The other day, I was talking to Aye and Nads about how we need content to talk about whenever we hang out, and since all three of us live relatively unsignificant lives (to some extent), beginning this blog also means that I have to go out of my way to find content to write about: I really want to be useful to my friends, okay, by providing them with quality tea which I once had abundances of.

I will be aiming to post these on Mondays (Mondays are the worst, so having something to look forward to could help make it more bearable), and I have already blocked specific times on my calendar to just sit down and reflect over my week while scribbling nonsense here. Hopefully I stay consistent. Hopefully.

Currently wearing: 
I’m just in my navy blue underwear wearing a black muscle tee. It doesn’t look good on me but I just came home from work and had to clean the unit because the dogs made a mess. Even just wearing this, the job gets done so I don’t really care anymore. I miss wearing clothes though. Like, actual good clothes. *sighs*

Doggy Updates: 
Chandler and Sawyer are doing pretty fine. I should really start posting on their IG journal, because damn, Sawyer is growing. I got him during the last week of October and he was at 700 grams. Last week, he weighed in at 1.4 kilograms (doubled!) when we went to the vet to get his 3rd vaccine shot. Sawyer’s teeth has started to really grow out, but potty training is not really going too well. Since I’m currently working onsite in BGC, I haven’t been fully hands-on with him, which I kinda regret. Needless to say, my boys are doing fine and are healthy. Sawyer has his 4th shot scheduled on January 4, and I have to go buy dog food again this week because damn, these boys eat.

Songs of the week:

• bye – altare 
  Nothing new here, this is Ariana’s Grande’s bye, but yassified. Listening to it feels like either popping a pill while watching the night sky at the beach, or a relaxing drive on an empty highway. Needless to say, obsessed.

• Masterpiece – Disclosure, Jordan Rakei
  Hello…? This is Jordan Rakei. I will not tolerate any disrespect for his name. This song popped up on shuffle mode when I was walking home just around the Kalayaan Flyover, when I was at the middle of the bridge. Alam niyo yung gusto ko na lang tumalon mula sa tulay nung napakinggan ko uli ‘to? This was my jam back in college. 

• Von Dutch – Charli XCX
  Sorry, I was cleaning the unit just a while ago. I needed to feel something, so I was blasting this.

• I’ll Believe in Anything – Wolf Parade
  Allow me to gush for a bit: Pluribus and Heated Rivalry are the two best things that graced television this quarter, and it is so fucking refreshing to see queer characters flourishing in the media right now, especially in this climate. Although I do understand how people could easily join the bandwagon and rule out Heated Rivalry as being a mere “gay hockey porn TV show“, but it is by all means quite more than that. True, that the sex scenes in Heated Rivalry are definitely on the explicit end, but that’s because each sex scene tells a different story about the intimacy between the two leads – each scene and cut has so much subtext in it, which makes breaking down episodes quite enjoyable. The sex scenes in itself pushes the narrative forward: without it, you won’t really be able to completely capture the dynamics between the characters. It’s pretty tastefully shot and directed too, with their dialogue during the deed, or the physicality of the entire ordeal, being grounded in painful realism (their intimacy coordinator deserves all the flowers). I highly implore people to give it a shot, regardless if you are queer or not – but man, that Episode 5 ending is truly the most cathartic thing I have seen on television this year and nothing even comes close. I well up inside each time I watch it, it really really is that good.

Notable meals:
I finished all 18 stickers for the Starbucks Christmas collection last Wednesday but I’m attempting to go for one more round. I had a Vanilla Cream Cold Brew Venti today. All I had today was literally just that. I’m so fucking locked in.

Recent musings:

Over the past few weeks, I’ve started to feel like actually getting my mojo back, which hasn’t happened in a long time. Fun story to preface this: my therapist actually prescribed me to get a mirror when she found out I didn’t have any at home (when I was still living in Katipunan). Around the time my depression escalated to the worst, I really REALLY hated looking at myself. It was when I totally stopped giving a shit about what I looked like – which made me resent myself all the more. When I had to leave Katipunan to go back home to Novaliches so I wouldn’t be living alone, all the way to when I moved to Makati to be closer to work, I still never got a mirror, and avoided looking at myself; because frankly, what’s there to look at? I decided that I wanted to do something about it this 2025, so during the start of the year, I got myself a huge ass mirror. It was a running gag amongst my work colleagues. They kept on asking me if I got that mirror to make “content”, to which I would just reply with a sheepish maybe (c’mon what they said was pretty funny, I give credit where it is due). But during the time I was living in Makati, despite having that massive mirror in the middle of the room, I would find myself feeling uneasy with the fact that I could see myself through the reflection. Basically 2025 was spent with me avoiding that mirror almost every chance I could get, besides the very very few times I was feeling myself (drunk, horny – or both). 

I moved to Kapitolyo this October for a fresh start, got a new puppy, and was actually doing pretty decently (let’s not talk about the brief moment of unemployment), but on one random day last month, I was reading a book on my couch when I got a good glimpse of myself on the mirror and I kid you not – found myself mouthing the words “what the actual fuck” when I saw myself. I wanted to pop a pill right then and there. I didn’t recognize myself at all. I was legit tearing up to the fact that I became so unrecognizable, and when I ended up asking myself “So what did I even use to look like?” in retrospect, even that I couldn’t answer. It certainly wasn’t that thing on the mirror. Ever since then, I decided to ease into weight loss and skin care and all that shit I used to once do. And funny enough, come December, I felt horny twice in one week (trust me, this is absolutely monumental for someone who used to be in a rut 24/7). That’s when I realized that there really was something fundamentally lacking in my currently life that I used to have lots of, but have none at all currently: spice. Back in college, not even kidding, I was on the verge of bankruptcy on a daily basis. It’s crazy to fathom how I got drunk almost every week partying, and then I look back, and it was mostly because people liked having me around – to the point they would be willing to pay for my drinks, pay for my ride to get there. I used to be someone who people wanted around – not to sound whore-ish or anything – but I reveled in that fact. And then there was the sex. So much of it. I remember having to make a schedule because boy, was I booked. 

Nowadays, I live a peaceful life. My days are pretty much work, dogs, sleep – and I have absolutely no qualms with that. A side of me, and for the most part, the side that won –  told me that this was more than enough. That this is also nice, and I don’t really need that old lifestyle back. I was doing okay with my peaceful Fridays. I walk the dogs on the weekends, and I have time to play video games and read books. Life wasn’t bad at the slightest. But as of late, the other side in me is literally screaming at me to go get a life – and I am very much listening to it right now. The meds definitely killed my libido, but with proper exercise and diet, I’m bound to hit the testosterone spike that would reignite my engine, and as long as I manage to regain my old body (yes! I’m not even going to dial down with the conceitedness), I know I could somehow regain semblances of the wild life I used to once have. Typing this, it kinda sounds sad that a guy nearing his thirties is attempting to get a second wind at life, but I’m choosing to look at this from a different perspective. A calm life is a great life and yes, it is cozy, yes, it is irresistible. But is that really the life that’s meant for me? I think the only way to find out is by attempting to try living the crazy one I used to have in my early twenties. And I certainly wouldn’t be able to do that looking like this.

To be brutally honest though, I really do miss the thrill of it all. The thrill of basically anything. I miss going out of my way to eat new food, to meet new people, to travel to new places instead of convincing myself it is difficult because of Chandler and Sawyer (I mean, they’re my kids, but stuff like this is always manageable). I miss the thrill of entering a club and feeling eyes on me, and window shopping the crowd in search of anyone worth the while. And then there’s the cat-and-mouse of it, and then the vindication of finding someone who is just as into you as you are to them, and knowing simply through eye contact, that we want each other, but only for one night – and desire nothing else but to never see each other again afterwards. Ew, that was so slutty to type. But, yeah. Real.

But I have also begun to warm up to the idea of (I have never opted and prioritized this before) dating. Yes, sure, I had a Bumble account but that was mostly like a fidget spinner for me (forgive me, but it kinda really is). I never really took apps too seriously, and I wasn’t going to start now. But the notion of organically meeting someone in exhilarating scenarios, and cultivating a domestic relationship out of it, is truly a concept I am very keen on giving a try. I know what it’s like to have the rush you get leaving the club at 2AM and getting home at like 5AM after a quick hookup. But I also now know the bliss of tucking myself in on a Friday night at 10PM and waking up at 7AM to make coffee. I haven’t felt lonely despite living and being alone, and I think it’s never going to be a major issue for me in the future(?), but I have started to think about scenarios of my mundane days being spent with another person, which has never happened before lol (yeah, I know, it’s crazy). I’m not looking for love, because frankly, I don’t believe in it. I have never fallen in love, or head-over-heels for someone. Like, ever. But I am a firm believer of mutual love that can be built upon with solid foundations. So I think I’m going to gradually open up to the idea of finding someone I could commit to. Again, just to emphasize: I’m going to gradually (meaning, at glacial speeds) ease into dating. Slutting around for a bit comes first. 

I really do hope I could stay consistent in updating this new format. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this, despite this blog being basically a myriad of brainfarts glued together to somehow sound cohesive. For next week, I just know I’m probably going to just yap about my resolutions for the upcoming year, which sounds so generic. I’m hoping something else interesting happens to me this week that would encourage and motivate me to write profoundly about. If you are still reading this, seriously go get a fucking life thank you, for showing even the most remote amount of interest. I will do my best to not be boring with my weekly updates.

Happy Holidays, I guess. Peace out.