BEYOND THE BIG SKY

Oh boy, where do I even start (again).

Okay, so for starters, I will show 5 images that I believe encapsulates Ayrelle as person, and why I choose to keep her around.

Di pa ba sapat ‘to? Need mo pa ba talaga ng lengthy blog?

Ayrelle is quite possibly the person from Ateneo that I have the most history with. And it wouldn’t even be an understatement to say that if it wasn’t for her, one of my most solid support systems at the moment would have never been established. Nads, after all, had all the choices in the world to not give two fucks about me (given how weird our first interactions were, with the guidance counselor shit and all that). But Ayrelle literally didn’t have one – she was stuck with me whether she liked it or not.

Our initial block in Ateneo, ZZ, were to attend most of our classes together for freshman year. That wasn’t the case though for our core classes, such as Theology, Math, Filipino, English Literature, or Social Sciences. We were spread out for these classes. Ayrelle was stuck with me for most of these, and oddly enough, for the two most obnoxious ones: Theo and SocSci. We never really got to bond over Orsem since I wasn’t really with my block during the event, and I figured the only way I could actually interact with my block was through our classes. Since Ayrelle and I were also together for our major subjects, it was destined that we were to spend a lot of time together during the first years of college. Except there was a problem: Ayrelle hated men, and well, I am men.

My first impression of Ayrelle was: hala, shy siya. haha lol. Jokes aside, Ayrelle was not the type of person who liked attracting attention to herself. She was reserved, quiet, dependable, approachable – kind of like an Ate figure in our block. She would be the one to remind our group chat of important announcements, remind us of deadlines and stuff. She’s just an overall really good person. I, on the other hand, at that time, was reckless, loud, flamboyant, happy-drunk-along-Katip-on-Fridays, and was just basically a go-getter kind of guy (just typing this makes me want to hurl). So in retrospect, I actually think I’m the type of guy Ayrelle would be annoyed with, or at the very least, someone she wouldn’t want to be around her. Another impression I had with Ayrelle was that every time I would see her, she was always carrying way too much stuff with her, may it be her waterflask or her multiple binders, palagi na lang siyang maraming bitbit. I think I might have given her multiple names throughout our freshman year like girl scout, or National Bookstore (this is a compliment, the girl literally had everything one would ever need in any academic situation, kulang na lang siguro, may dala siyang printer sa bag niya at nagpiprint siya ng mga deliverables). But we never really talked all too much during the initial months despite being classmates, because as much as I hate to admit it, I never really saw Ayrelle as someone I could fully bond with, and in the instance that I did decide to do so, it would feel like an extrovert adopting an introvert, which I didn’t want to do.

I don’t want to go too much into detail, but Ayrelle was someone who had a habit of undermining her value. My blood boils as I type this, but Ayrelle was the type of person who would grin at you and say “Oh, I think I will volunteer as beadle since I’m not smart, kaya dito na lang ako babawi.” Oh this bitch really gets on my nerves. As someone who had to go through hell and back just to get into college, I could never stray away from the sight of someone doing their very hardest to prove a point. Ayrelle is the 4th from the eldest of 6 siblings (hala natranslate ko in English), and it always felt like just that simple fact followed her like a shadow everywhere, as if all her achievements and mistakes will always be a mere statistic among the many her and her other siblings bring to their family’s table. Inevitably, by being in so many classes with Aye, I realized that we were actually more alike than we originally thought: well, una sa lahat, she’s from Congressional and I’m from Novaliches. We’re not exactly neighbors and hindi niya kaya magmura ng kasing lutong tulad sakin, but yeah, girl has the kanto attitude that I was so desperately missing from all the generic basic bitches in Ateneo who only spoke in Starbucks orders and JSEC gossip. Talking to Ayrelle felt like being in my element, without having to hold back. Overtime, Ayrelle got used to me just being my usual annoying self. I mean she had no choice lol, I was always around her and in my defense, I make it very very clear when I’m actively asserting my presence in a room. At first I thought it was going to be more of an extrovert adopting and introvert, but I think, it became more of like me being a nasty fly always in distance of Ayrelle, to the point that I became like white noise to her.

I believe there are three turning points for me and Ayrelle’s friendship. One happened early into college, another just before the pandemic, and the last being one during the pandemic.

There was this very specific canon event that happened in our Theology class that forever changed the trajectory of me and Ayrelle’s friendship. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that Ayrelle would come to my side and comfort me when I was feeling down about a really huge fuck up I committed for that week’s assignments. This was Moment One. To be honest, I don’t really remember much from that afternoon (historical revisionism on my behalf) besides that the weather was so pleasantly gloomy, and that Ayrelle really kept my sanity in tact by giving me some words of encouragement. When Ayrelle and I talk about this moment now, we use the terms trauma bonding (and to an extent, perhaps hate bonding as well, since we resent this prof for even making us feel like shit lmao). I really thought that the first time I was able to convince you to come drink out would be it, but weirdly enough, it wasn’t. That afternoon in the corridor of the SOM Building will always be core memory for me. I don’t recall if I have ever properly thanked you for that, but yeah, it really meant a lot Aye.

Due to such circumstances, and our schedules lining up for the majority of the school year, it was safe to say that I had the tightest bond with Ayrelle in our block moving into our sophomore year (she got Patrick antibodies and was fully immune of my bullshit). She was also very neutral about me shifting out and changing courses. Alam mo yung parang nasanay na si Ayrelle sa kagaguhan ko na parang – meh, na lang siya sa lahat (in a way, I choose to believe that I greatly helped Ayrelle conquer her fear in men by persistently reminding her of the infinite potential of men to disappoint).

The second moment was obviously the surprise party we threw for Nads at Lan Kwai just before the pandemic. I already wrote in detail about what transpired that day on Nads’ blog, but what really struck out to me was your composure, and your commitment. Everyone was really busy and to be honest, we weren’t even sure if we could actually pull off the surprise for Nads, which is why you really earned my respect. After Nads party, we walked all the way to Popup parking and she gave me a ride till the intersection of Mindanao and Congressional Avenue. I think that was the first time, we actually had real talk. Like, actual, real, talk. It was like no censorship, no bullshit, no inhibitions, just straight up putting-everything-out-there kind of conversations. When I got off your car, I really thought: “Hindi lang pala siya shy girl na pushover at maraming parasocial relationships with her KPOP idols, may tinatago din pala talaga ‘tong palo. Delikado ‘to pag nagkataon.“

Which leads to what I believe was the biggest turning point of our relationship. During the pandemic, just when Nads, Aye, and I were starting to really hit it off, I had to go back to Japan and stay there until the whole thing died down. I think I have already mentioned this way too many times already, but I fell into a really really bad case of mental boom boom. I became so out-of-touch with everything, deleted all of my social media, became borderline unreachable to the point that both Nads and Aye were attempting to reach me through my family (that shit was wild!). It’s crazy to think that there was a year I greeted neither of them on their birthdays through social media posts, but I will never forget the way I bawled when I found out she was sick. It was one of those moments when I felt my heart being so heavy. I think I saw the chat, and I knew I just had to pick up the call if it came. We were on FB Messenger and you were explaining so nonchalantly, Nads just listening, and me doing my best to stay composed. That shit really fucked me up. Perhaps these are the consequences of refusing to accept the love from people you care for: it leaves you clueless on how they are actually doing and you end up pushing them away. I think it was at that moment that I realized that I am the one stuck with the both of you – that there is no way in hell I can call quits now, and that I never ever want to. It’s a bit of a cosmic gag isn’t it? How we can now joke about something so serious, yet there was a point in time when we all collectively cried about it, and just hated the pandemic all the more because we were so far away from each other.

I’m just so glad we are in the stage in our friendship where all we do is talk shit about other people (mostly me, and you guys either enabling or tolerating me) and sending each other memes/reels/tiktok videos. I couldn’t have asked for a better safe haven so attuned to my emotional and spiritual needs. I used to keep on joking how life really started to fuck me up real hard the moment I turned 25, and now that you both are, I can’t wait to see how you guys will tread your mid-20s and navigate your own respective lives (rest assured I will be there to support you both no matter what – to be a stable and consistent avenue where you could vent your frustrations about how shitty life can really get). I will always be grateful that you both have become so comfortable around me that a) I can hate on Ayrelle’s siblings for no valid reason whatsoever without Ayrelle being too annoyed at me (I hate Reigne with a burning passion, and I love it because I ended up donating her 500 pesos just because we share the same favorite junkfood), and b) being able to see the sinister side of Nads finally seep out of her. I always knew she had it in her. I always thought it would be me who would be able to finally pull the sass out of her and let her tap into her dark side – it’s really so tragic that it ended up being Ryan who is pushing her over the edge.

Ayrelle, I know it’s been a tough couple of years for you already. I think you might be tired of hearing this from me – things will always be difficult before it’s easy. But I am absolutely sure that you will always find a way to book those concert tickets — because that’s who you are, you’re someone who is patient, someone who manages, and in extraordinary fashion. And let’s be fucking real here: I honestly think you are better off as someone who hates giving up, especially when you know the odds are against you.

Oh, and another reminder: I remember nagtatanungan tayo dati, ano type mo sa tao? and you said, “someone funny, someone caring.” Well, let me break it you honey, but you is funny, you is caring. I genuinely hope you learn how to really REALLY love yourself. We aren’t in college anymore. You don’t have to bring all this heavy shit around anymore. If anything, you might even be the freest you have ever been in a long time. I hope you take this time to let go of the weight that is burdening you, and that in the process, you fall in love with yourself as well. It is time for you to manifest what Nads and I have been telling you all this time – never let yourself be a side character in your own life. Pabida ka diba? It’s high time for you to FULLY embrace your main character era. You shall eat. you shall werk. I will be sat. I will be living for it. And I am hoping that after all these crossroads, you can find what truly sparks your contentment. Just thinking about this hypes me up for the more exciting chapters that are bound to happen in your life – and syempre front row seats ako don (for more efficient booing).

Ayril Caribbean Thing, always remember na if your siblings annoy you, I am confident in saying that I can annoy you even MORE. I can’t wait to see you thrive in your true element. Palagi mong tatandaan, nandyan lang ako, always ready, para i-judge ka. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for always being there for Nads. I will be sending all of my positive juju to you, which isn’t a lot sadly, so that you can safely reach the point As to point Bs in your life, in a manner that brings you great joy.

Happy Birthday, Aye! I hope you stop being an atheist and that you finally find God!

Let our response be:
“Mama mo.”